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Disturbing...

The Hotel Sextape

June 26, 2016
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3 for 2 eh? I'll take 27.
This is how I thought it would end...

The name's McCann, I have anecdotes...

Have a look around at some of the shit that happens to me...
You Can Call Me “Al…”?
This is my four year Alcoholics Anonymous “sobriety chip”. I have one for each milestone, major and minor, since I quit the booze in 2012 – from 24 Hours on. At AA you receive these chips, usually from your sponsor, as reward and recognition of your sobriety milestones. And with the serenity prayer on the back, they serve as a constant reminder and morale giver – ... more
The Hotel Sextape
Sorry to disappoint my female fanbase but I must point out that the sextape mentioned in my title does not involve me, at least not in front of the camera. This does however mean that the rest of you, who read my blog for the humorous writings rather than grotesque sexual imagery, can enjoy this latest installment. But let’s just be clear, this is no ... more
The Five Card Trick
So last year I sent 5 Valentine’s cards. I know what you’re thinking. What a nice guy, sharing joy and flattery throughout the female population. Oh, you’re not thinking that at all? You’re thinking I’m a desperate freak? Not at all. If I were desperate I’d be using the targeted mass-mailing e-card system I developed in my twenties, but chose not to deploy, which was my ... more
Online Dating Is For Freaks…
…Or rather, that’s who it’s supposed to be for. That’s who it was always meant to be for. Online dating was invented for those who struggled to meet people in real life, weren’t shiny and good-looking and fashionable, lacked some inter-personal skills, didn’t go out to bars, in fact barely left the house and could only meet new people using the internet and computers. Basically people like me. ... more
Who Wants To Date A Bosnian
My dating videos have generally been pretty successful, this is the story of one that bucked the trend, and made the girl in question … well, run away quickly. There are some similarities here with The Last Date I Never Had in that despite making great progress in the e-mailing and phone chatting stakes, the girl had a remarkably swift change of heart at the ... more
Rules For Complimenting A Lady
Women love compliments. FACT. Women hate compliments. Bizarrely, also FACT. The incompatibility of these two statements has vexed me since I first uttered the phrase “that’s a smashing blouse you have on” and was met with “why is this stalker talking to me?” I’m generally someone who likes to say nice things to people. I soon learned that saying nice things to male friends was ... more
The Fishy Paypacket
I’ve had a varied career; games marketing, music management, publishing, web design, icing doughnuts, labouring, gutting fish. I guess for some reason I don’t really talk about the last few much, so I thought it was about time I took you on a little tour of my first working experiences. For school work experience I managed to get a week in Boots. Rather than spending ... more
The Cancer Charity
You may not know this but I actually run a small cancer charity in the Soho area. I stand outside round the corner from work and passers-by come up to me and ask me to donate cigarettes to them. It’s a noble endeavour, I receive no government funding; in fact quite the opposite. with the government taking about 80% from each pack of cigarettes I buy, ... more
The Cash Machine Karma
I’m a big believer in Karma – the idea that your actions, good or bad, determine what’s coming to you. Of course, the fact that I am not a three-time multi-million-pound lottery winner suggests that over the years I have made some mistakes, insulted too many brutishly overweight ladies maybe or used the c-word far too liberally. Or it could simply be because I do not ... more
The Date With The Drug Dealer
So despite a few minor hiccups along the way, and against the odds, my first date with Alice was a success and she wanted to see me again. The argument we had about whether or not she wanted to date me again was consigned to our list of “hilarious” early-days anecdotes to tell people at our wedding. Never let it be said I think too ... more
Where No McCann Has Gone Before
You’re probably surprised to see another dating story given that a couple of months ago I posted this scathing rant about the women on match.com. I pretty much considered myself done with online dating when I wrote that, and shortly after tested out some of my theories about the shallow women of Match by Photoshopping my profile picture to see if I got more views ... more
The Condom Conundrum
Some things are supposed to be hard when comes to making love, buying condoms should not be one of them. In the 1980s and 90s long before I knew what condoms were, believing them to be some kind of street drug given how hush-hush people seemed about mentioning them, I remember the TV adverts which tried to reassure you that it was OK to buy ... more
The Underground Pie Fight
I snapped tonight. No, I’ve not been doing yoga again, this was on the commute home. If you’re a regular reader you will know this has been coming for some time, my journey to the Tube an ordeal because of inconsiderate brolly owners and religious zealots, and my journey on the Tube a constant source of fury because of selfish twat commuters. Well, tonight I fought ... more
The Birthday Splash
As it is my birthday, and I am fairly suicidal at the prospect of being 35, I thought it might be good to reminisce about my best birthday ever. I’ve never been a birthdays person, in fact at school I demonstrated I barely even understood the concept. I was in the final year of school and was making some flirty banter with one of the girls ... more
Meanwhile, Back On Match.com
So I wiped my match.com profile in May or June, having completely had it with online dating for a while, and specifically with that website. I probably ranted about how I was never going back and “it’s enough to turn you gay” and other such things. I ended up going back, I always do. Partly because every time I go on there to cancel my ... more
My First Sober Year
I was going to start by saying how surprised I am that I made it to a year without drinking, but I think I knew from the moment I stepped out of the rehab clinic that me and the drinkies were done for good. If alcohol had been a person, I’d have unfriended them on Facebook. Drinking had officially pissed me off and I think ... more
The Black Woman Who Thought She Was White (And Was Racist. And Had Tourette’s.)
We were on our annual team afternoon out, and there was much for my small (but disproportionately talented and influential) department to celebrate. The birthdays of every team member for example, since this day out was annual. Also, one colleague had recently passed her finance exams. And I was celebrating my 9 month one week and four day sobriety anniversary, which was reason enough for ... more
The Penis, the Pint Glass and the Photocopier
In my defence of the classic tale you are about to read, I would say – not many aspiring comedy bloggers could squeeze three different cocks into a single anecdote. In fact, I would probably advise you smear yourself with lube before reading any further. This tale of three parts begins at school, with an immature and puerile act typical of adolescent lads, and continues with ... more
Site Redesign Q&A
Oh here’s an anecdote for you, so what started out as a simple lick of paint for McCannecdotes.com about a month ago, ended up being a total fucking nightmare of nothing working as it should and endless nights staring at code (and some porn). The result is a site that does pretty much everything the old site did, has some capital letters in places the ... more
The Aliens Up Above Us
The people upstairs have always been weird. I don’t mean the people who currently live upstairs have displayed consistently bizarre behaviour in the time I’ve known them. I mean the people upstairs, whoever they were, in the whole ten years I’ve lived in this flat, have always been weird. With only a couple of exceptions. Me and my flatmate live in a ground-floor three-bedroom flat. The ... more
Taking The Tube To Manchester
Imagine you’d never met me (some of you haven’t; you should, I’m nice) and I went up to you in a train station in London and said “Excuse me, can you do me a favour, I need a newspaper, but rather than going to the newsagent just over there and buying one, I’d rather give you the money and you go to Manchester for me by train, pick one up ... more
The Wrong Kind Of Gym Body
Do I go to the gym? Well, thanks for asking. People rarely ask me that, I don’t know why. Even the staff of Fitness First round the corner from work never ask me, as they patrol the streets giving away free passes and enticing the ladies, gentlemen, circus freaks, tourists and the infirm of the Soho area into their gym. Never once have they thought that ... more
The Passion Of The Christs
“Excuse me,” she said, her angular, Billie-Piper-esque gob thoroughly filled with sandwich as she spoke, “Do you have a moment for a quick survey about religion?” “No sorry,” I said, gesturing to the overflowing Sainsbury’s bag in my hand, “I have to get home, I’m cooking my flatmate dinner.” HA HA HA HA HA HA WHAT A LIE. Fuck me I am good sometimes. “It’ll ... more
The Ginger Man & The Strip Club
I had a long list of things to achieve before I was 30. The usual stuff, publish novel, win BAFTA, marry Ashley Judd. I compiled this list when I was 20, and ten years seemed like ample time to achieve all my lifelong dreams. I would then retire early, and lose half my fortune to Ashley in exchange for my new squeeze Milla Jovovich. Life ... more
The Swedophile Ring
With the Eurovision Song Contest taking place in Malmo, Sweden this year, I’m already well-prepared in advance for the festivities, with a Swedish flag and a Swedish sash with Sweden written on it. Now some of you might think that I’m the kind of person who has national tat for every country in the world stocked up in my cupboards “just in case”. You’d be ... more
The Last Date I Never Had
I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. That I would not have to be writing on my blog, satirising this most recent girl I was in touch with through online dating. It seemed like we might even progress past the first date into proper dating, and she would be immune from inclusion in my posts, except when we had had hilarious times together and ... more
Four Play
This story is just a prelude to a bigger anecdote I am writing which will take about an hour to read and have a spectacular climax. Someone asked me recently if I was a theatre buff. Nice to have an anecdote involving the word “buff” that doesn’t have the words “in the” preceding it. I do enjoy the theatre but it’s one of a great ... more
The Date Of The Dead
I have mentioned before my annoyance with the sameyness of online dating profiles. Every girl out there seems to be the same skiing, mountain-climbing, horse-riding booklover who likes travelling and spending time with her friends. I was looking for someone different. Preferably actually someone with no friends, who’d probably be the type I’d have a chance with. This Japanese girl, I’ll call her Yōko, stood ... more
The Donkey Slap, The Millionnairess & The Rentboy
They say “the best things in life are free” right? Which is great because I have no money because I spend it all on shit, and trust me the shit things in life are expensive. But they also say that “there is no such thing as a free lunch”. So either lunch is not one of the best things in life (which I have to ... more
Things I Shouldn’t Have Said To Women
I’m well-known for my way with words with women, sadly not quite in the manner I’d hope for. If there’s something inappropriate to be said I have a habit of saying it and if there’s a back-handed compliment to be made I’m usually the first to make it. I never mean anything wrong, I’m very well-intentioned, but I have a habit of trying so hard ... more
The Capital C Word
With the title of this post and the last, people might be worried this site is going all Sesame Street themed, but no, just a coincidence. No-one would ever call me conservative with a lower-case c, and if you thought I was you need to read the rest of the stories on this site. Politically though I’ve always been Conservative. It surprises me because people ... more
The C Word
This post is about CLASS (why what C word did you think I meant?) Now I don’t really pay any attention to social class, I’ve always had a very broad range of friends with different means and different backgrounds and I’ve never judged anyone based on any kind of perceived status within society. But I saw this article on the BBC today about a major ... more
The Coming Out & The Punchbag
My first flatmates in London were a gay couple, I’d moved here to London with them. We’d all been friends working at the same company in Birmingham, and neither of them had come out yet. People had their suspicions about Thomas, but Laurent hid it fantastically well, behind the simplest of disguises. He was French. Whereas people were used to seeing British guys and making certain ... more
Operation Deepthroat
I’d been having some problems with the strength of my voice, it was croaky and would cut out sometimes. I’d tried all kinds of things to resolve it, but the only thing that seemed to do it was singing Belinda Carlisle on SingStar. I could sing karaoke just fine, but this was not a solution that would help me at work. “Hey Alan, how’s the ... more
How I Lost My Vodka
There are a lot of stories on this site that involve drinking, but to be honest it came as a shock to me how many actually don’t. When I first started writing this blog, I assumed it would mainly consist of an endless line of alcohol-related misadventures, but while some of my finest, or perhaps simply most bizarre, stories have involved heavy drinking and inebriated debauchery, the ... more
The Sorry Fate of the Jean-Jacques’s [Guest McCannecdote #2]
Guest writer Jamon is back with another tale to make you wonder how he can possibly still be employed in a professional capacity, hot on the heels of his emotional baggage story. This story gives new meaning to idea of telling people you’re having a shit time… UPDATE: Hang on, um, before we delve into Jamon’s latest I just have to say something else, about ... more
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